Wanting
A child
Sees the clear difference
Between what she and others have
Material riches, self-worth, dignity
Not sure what is wrong
But something definitely is wrong
Work hard. Be like us.
The message others give
Nighttime hunger, outgrown clothes
No new shoes at the start of school
Fatigue, vagueness, fog, indignation
Hard to be what they want me to be
Depression, misbehavior, stern looks from teachers
Why not?
Life is unfair
Living from rental to rental to rental
Despairing parents
Missing future
Absent opportunity
She stares into space
Dying
Brain takes command
as always
to prepare for death
No more plans to make
short-term memory
loses importance
replaced by life review
decades-old events
revisited
Sleep prevails
systems slow
consciousness wanes
peace descends
Food and water
are rejected
for days and days
while the catheter
fills less and less
The body
dwindles and declines
sliding into
cocoon-like embrace
slow reach to
terminal stillness
An Old Picture
I ran across
An old picture of my daughter
Taken during the 1990s.
It makes me sad
That I can’t relive just one day
Of her at that age
Ever again.
Moments
To feel
Moods strike stealthily
Good humor, bad sentiment
Push and pull of psyche
Habits hard to break
Circumstances take control
Stronger than mind
Stronger than heart
Peer through haze
Touch habitual responses
Cultivate curiosity
Embrace growth
Gamble with uncertainty
Impulses emerge
Patterns arise
Pleasure and pain are what they are
Observe their nuance
Free of judgment
Live with what is
Like never before
Folk
Family
Wife, Son, Daughter
Extraordinary lives
Core of being
Live in love
Live in fear
Don’t be taken away
Appreciation is lacking
Immeasurable passion
Devotion to die for
The choice is mine alone
Young families
Coordinate child care
Am now free of that burden
But at what cost?
Groundlessness and self-centeredness
Poor substitutes for nurturing
Los Angeles
Density
Drone of ‘The 2’
Voices across properties
Layered aircraft
Hot days
Cool nights
Dry polluted air
The Moon shines here too
Mixed cultures
Brown skin
Interaction
So many stories
Sea of humanity
Neighborhood islands
Small houses
Eccentric styling
Reputation
Creative flow
Music and acting
Hub of entertainment
Domingo
Highland Park supermercado
Barbacoa de pollo e carne
Bueno con cerveza fria
Walk along Verdugo
LA middle class
Din of cars
Birdsong background
Orange
Orange needles, once green, lie on the ground
Orange leaves cling ever tenuously to maple trees
Ripe pumpkins sit on a stonewall
Passing light displays an orange radiance
Once inside, the first warming fires cast an orange glow
The calmness of yellow merges with the urgency of red
To signal the demise of summer and winter’s inception
This pigmented time of year produces associations
And reminders of traditions
Walks across campus quads and leaf strewn trails
Establishment of studious and productive mindsets
Plans made previously unfold with predictability and anticipation
Gardens put to bed and warm weather paraphernalia packed away
Sweaters and corduroys briefly forgotten are reintroduced
Oaks foretell mice, chipmunk, hawk, and fox populations
By the volume of their acorn drops
Floral life, verdant and full not so long ago, languishes
Mountain sides pop as palettes of complexion
Auburn crowned birches lean over running brooks
Lakes reflect angled beams of light, yielding their annual shimmer
Air carries the pungent smell of decay and disintegration
Cool air prompts more campfires
There is still dried pine to eliminate
The flames dance with orange brilliance
Against hard granite stones
Staring for hours into the blaze
Contemplating the present moment
And the frigid winter to come
Dogs
Their soulful, expressive eyes
Short fur on tops of heads
calling to be stroked and scratched
Layers of affection and anxiety
We finessed, managed, and loved them
for so many years
Rusty was the first
When I was a little boy
The big shaggy Collie didn’t last long
Chasing cars, chewing shoes
My earliest remembered profound sadness
to know he had been given away
Kemo came from a New Bedford shelter
My life partner loved dogs
We tried together to keep him
Nervous, desperate, unpredictable
“Damaged goods” is a usable phrase
to best describe the poor boy
Karga was on loan for a year or two
A huge German Shepard and
gentle giant
Diligently guarding our son’s home birth
in a rural New Hampshire farmhouse
Sikkum, the Lhasa Apso
could turn women’s heads
when I walked him on Concord streets
Our boy’s first dog
who required more patience than I showed
Ahh, Else, the “girl biter”
The Chocolate Lab lasted fifteen years
A true family dog
Was present when our daughter arrived
Beautiful dog, loving relationship
who would sell her soul for just one more bite
of food
Elwood, a most handsome German Short-haired Pointer
needed a new home
We were seduced by his tri-color palette
but tested by his fears
which grew worse over nine years
We all tried so hard
We all tried, Elwood
Regal Tess had been abandoned
An aloof and strong-willed Standard Poodle
who preferred women over men
A curly gray ghost with a singular agenda
that was hard to penetrate
I think, but am not sure
she was grateful for what she was given
Pepper stayed for her final eighteen months
Her old owners had to depart
for a nursing home
She departed for our home
A ragamuffin mix of Terrier this and that
My only regret is that
she had not spent her whole life with us
Ernest came to retire in New Hampshire
from urban California
Our first hound. A howling experience
Between us he sat
on cold winter days and nights
before the flickering woodstove
melting our hearts
Cringeworthy
An uncomfortable
but valuable (I think)
phenomenon is occurring
now that I’m retired.
Unprompted and spontaneous memories of
stupid-ass,
embarrassing,
awkward,
tactless,
faux pas situations
I committed
over many years
are stinging my consciousness.
There are many years to cover
and numerous instances on which to reflect.
Having stepped into it
as frequently as I have
gives my deep memory
much grist for my mental mill.
Why this is happening
I am not sure.
Perhaps I’m primed
for a life review
coupled with a slap
upside the head.
God knows I deserve it.
My response
after my initial cringe
is resolve.
Live more present.
Observe more acutely.
Be kinder.
Reach out intentionally.
Add and not subtract
from future interactions.
Beats just feeling like shit.
Rooted Aimlessness
Physics takes a recess while
disparate experiences blend.
Dream-like views prevail and
suggestion becomes what it is.
Like counting blueberries picked
during moments leading to death.
Also, weather becomes predictable
like it has all happened before.
Mothers and fathers fade away
while suns burn hot.
The aging actor only gets roles
for characters who are old.
Nurses heal, teachers teach, and
everyone tries to carry on.
The bridge’s incline keeps rising
leaving me scared to gape over the peak.
Peering into the eyes of dogs and horses
is like seeing life itself.
I miss the country when
I’m too long in urban sprawl.
Can I please be excused?
